Regrets

It’s safe to say there isn’t a person who hasn’t dealt with regret.

For me, it’s something that never seems to go away, no matter how hard I try to forget about it, or move on from it. It’s like a bad penny that always comes back.

Regret often starts something like this: If only I didn’t do that. If only I would’ve done that. The “if only” is a little snowball that grows into a monstrosity.  

Here are some of my biggest regrets.

1.       If only I had taken school more seriously. In middle school, I was all about my grades. I had been placed in the excelled program and took advanced courses in math and science. I had studied and taken notes like a madman. If I had received anything less than an A, I’d beat myself up. Enter high school. The big time. Football games, dances, dating, seniors (Gasp! Older guys with cars). Academics had been pushed aside. I hadn’t studied nearly as much as I should’ve. It was all about social interaction. Maintaining a B average was fine by me. When would I need any of that stuff anyway, right? The regret: If only I had stayed focused on my education, maybe I would’ve done better in college. Maybe I would’ve been at a different school where I would’ve excelled and would’ve been further ahead in life.

2.       If only I had taken advantage of the opportunities that were available to me. I used to be the kind of person who was comfortable doing the minimum. To stretch myself out of my comfort zone felt, well, uncomfortable. If I didn’t see instant results, it wasn’t worth my time. Before marriage and motherhood, I had much more free time to explore new places, take on new adventures, and meet new people. But I had filled my time with a lot of fluff and junk that didn’t benefit me in the least. Sure, I had fun, but that kind of fun was ephemeral.  

3.       If only I had finished my book at twenty-two instead of forty-two. I had wasted a lot of time over the last twenty years. Time I can’t get back. For someone like me, who is a control freak and wants to fix everything, getting back time was not one of my powers. Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled my book was published, but just like my character, Anna who regrets decisions in her life, I, too, regret not finishing the book sooner. By now, I could’ve had twenty books on the shelf! Maybe. Point is, I waited and procrastinated out of fear. Writers are emotional creatures. I can’t speak for all of us, however, for me, I’ll always agonize, to a degree, about my writing abilities.

So, where’s the lesson in all of this? Glad you asked. You can’t change the past. You can’t go back and do things over. But there is the future. I have learned to take those regrets and turn them into positives. They serve as reminders and lessons. They allow me to think through my decisions and weigh my options and not be so hasty.

In my book, Return to Garrison, Anna learns a similar lesson. She can’t go back to the past. As much as it pains her, she can’t undo the wrong but realizes there’s a future waiting for her. With God’s help, she can make it one with no regrets.