This Is What I Know

I never envisioned myself as a published author. I didn’t even consider myself a writer until my mid-twenties. But at forty-three, here I am.

I often think about my adolescence and laugh at the irony of it all. You see, I hated writing. Hated it. I’m talking moans and groans. I wasn’t a voracious reader. I had an affinity for math and science, not English.

But a writing assignment during my sophomore year in college opened my eyes to possibilities I had never considered and ignited a fire within me. I was a fashion major, clueless about how to weave this new love into my life. So, I did the only thing that made sense. I nixed the clothing courses and jumped into journalism.

Shortly after earning my bachelor’s degree, I had a stint as a feature reporter before packing my bags and heading to graduate school in Indiana.

It was the first time I was truly on my own. I was five hundred miles away from my family and didn’t know a single soul in the Midwest. I was lonely, scared, and out of my comfort zone—something I wasn’t used to.

Walking into those classrooms, surrounded by hungry writers, I had never felt more inadequate in my life. Listening to them boast about their talent and accolades, all I heard was the snickering voice inside my head say, You don’t belong here.

I felt behind the eight ball. As a novice writer with one newspaper job under my belt, I realized I had a long way to go.  

Playing catch-up was exhausting. To this day, I often feel like I’m still trying to burst my way into the inner circle, or at the very least, try to keep up with my colleagues.

One night I went to the video store. Remember those? The ones with VHS tapes and the cool new “DVDs.” In my search for a lighthearted movie guaranteed to make me smile and maybe even laugh, I came across “Never Been Kissed” with Drew Barrymore.

I know what you’re thinking. A rom-com? Seriously? Yes, I’m a girl. I like chick flicks. If you haven’t seen the movie, which I highly recommend you do, Drew’s character, Josie, gets her big break as a reporter. She goes undercover as a high school student to get the scoop on today’s teens, but gets more than just a great story. Josie learns a lesson about herself and the people around her. Oh, yeah, she gets the hunky teacher, too.

But it was a line she said at the end of the movie that stuck with me. As she’s typing, her voiceover begins. “Someone once told me that to write well, you have to write what you know. This is what I know.” Josie details her geeky life as a kid and how she brought it with her into adulthood.

That line “write what you know” hit me hard.

Until then, I had never considered being an author. I wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t clever enough. Authors knew it all, and I fell short. Way short.

I had spent years comparing myself to other writers. And believe me, that’s one of the worst moves you can make as a writer. It’s maddening. It’s detrimental to your confidence, and frankly, a waste of time. Each writer has his or her own unique voice that can’t be mimicked. Maybe my voice doesn’t have the depth of someone else’s. Maybe some find it too simple. But it’s my voice.

What I’ve discovered as a writer is vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. To open yourself up and express your flaws without fear of mockery and let the world know you’re a work in progress is freeing.

So, when I wrote Return to Garrison, I took Josie’s advice. I wrote what I knew.

I knew what it was like to work in the media. I knew what it was like to have a dream and go after it with everything inside of me. I knew what it was like to make major mistakes, which, unfortunately, can’t be erased. I knew what it was like to allow forgiveness and love to take the place of guilt and regret.

This is what I know. I am an author.